The Mental Load of Coming Out
Coming out is often spoken about as though it is one big moment: you tell people, they know, and it's done.
For many LGBTQ+ people, the reality can be very different. Coming out can happen again and again throughout life— with new friends, colleagues, healthcare professionals, neighbours, employers or whenever you enter a new environment.
Each time can bring another decision: Do I tell them? Do I need to tell them? Is this person safe? Will anything change if they know?
The decisions other people may never see
Before sharing something personal about your sexuality or gender, you might find yourself assessing the situation first.
You may think about how someone has spoken about LGBTQ+ people previously, whether they can be trusted with private information, whether you are prepared for questions or whether disclosure could affect your relationships, work or sense of safety.
Even when you believe somebody will respond positively, having to make these calculations repeatedly can become emotionally exhausting.
You are allowed to choose
Coming out is personal. There isn't a correct age, stage or way to do it.
You can tell one person and not another. You can be open in one part of your life and private in another. You can take your time, change your mind or decide that certain information simply isn't somebody else's business.
Privacy does not make your identity any less valid.
When you do want to tell someone
It can help to think about what would make the conversation feel safer. Perhaps you want someone supportive nearby, prefer to send a message rather than speak face-to-face, or want to tell someone in a place where you can leave afterwards and have time to yourself.
You are also allowed to set boundaries around questions. Sharing your identity doesn't automatically mean agreeing to explain or educate.
A message from me
If you are carrying the mental load of deciding who to tell, please remember that you don't owe everybody access to every part of you.
Your story belongs to you.
You get to decide when, where, how and with whom you share it.
I hope there are people in your life with whom you can gradually feel safe enough to be fully yourself — without rehearsing, explaining or wondering whether you will still be accepted afterwards.
Until next time, give yourself space to breathe.
With love, Maggie
Space to Breathe Therapy
