Being an Ally Is More Than Saying “I Support You”

Being an ally is not about having all the answers, understanding every LGBTQ+ identity perfectly or never making a mistake.

It is about being willing to listen, learn and make sure your support can be felt through your actions as well as your words.

Saying “I support you” can mean a great deal to someone. But what happens afterwards matters too.

Support shows up in everyday moments

Allyship often happens when nobody is watching.

It can be correcting somebody who uses the wrong name or pronouns.

It can be challenging a discriminatory joke rather than staying silent.

It can be talking naturally about someone's same-sex partner in exactly the same way you would talk about anybody else's relationship.

It can also be noticing the assumptions we make.

Instead of automatically asking a woman whether she has a boyfriend, for example, we can simply ask whether she has a partner.

Small changes in language can communicate:

“You don't have to explain yourself before you belong here.”

Listen before trying to fix

When somebody shares something about their sexuality or gender with you, they may not be looking for advice.

Sometimes they simply need somebody to hear them.

You don't need to immediately understand everything they're experiencing.

You can say:

“Thank you for trusting me.”

“How can I support you?”

“Would you like me to listen, or would you like help thinking this through?”

Those simple questions allow the person to tell you what they actually need.

Respect someone's privacy

If somebody tells you about their identity, that doesn't automatically mean they are comfortable with everybody else knowing.

Coming out is personal.

A person may be open with friends but not family, comfortable at home but not at work, or out to one person while still deciding what feels right elsewhere.

Never assume that because you know, everybody else can know too.

Let the person decide when, where and with whom they share their identity.

Don't expect LGBTQ+ people to teach you everything

It's absolutely okay to have questions.

But an LGBTQ+ friend, colleague or family member shouldn't have to become your personal educator simply because of their identity.

There are many reliable resources available that can help you understand terminology, identities and experiences.

Doing some of that learning yourself communicates something important:

“I care enough to make the effort.”

And if you make a mistake? Acknowledge it, correct it and move on.

A sincere correction is often much more helpful than making the person reassure you that your mistake was okay.

Allyship also matters when LGBTQ+ people aren't in the room

It's relatively easy to challenge discrimination when the person affected is standing beside us.

Allyship also means speaking up when they aren't there.

If someone makes a homophobic, biphobic or transphobic joke, you don't need an LGBTQ+ person present before deciding it isn't acceptable.

Sometimes a simple:

“I don't think that's funny.”

is enough.

Silence can unintentionally communicate agreement. Challenging something calmly can help change what becomes acceptable within a family, friendship group or workplace.

A message from me

You don't have to understand somebody's experience completely to respect it.

You don't have to have lived their life.

You don't have to know every term.

You simply need to be willing to listen, learn and recognise when your voice can help make a space safer for somebody else.

And remember that allyship isn't something we announce about ourselves.

It's something other people experience through the way we behave.

The everyday moments matter.

The language matters.

Speaking up matters.

And sometimes one person knowing, “I don't have to defend or explain who I am around you,” can mean far more than you realise.

Until next time, give yourself space to breathe.

With love,
Maggie

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