I Changed the Pronouns
LGBTQ+ Real Experience – Shared Anonymously
Sometimes hiding does not feel like a deliberate decision. It happens in the smallest edits: saying friend instead of boyfriend, changing a pronoun or leaving somebody out of a story before we have even noticed what we are doing.
This shared real experience follows someone who automatically changed the language they used about their partner at work. Their present environment felt accepting, yet their brain was still using a strategy learned years earlier, when speaking openly had not felt safe.
The resource explores how repeated self-protection can become a habit within the nervous system. This is not evidence that somebody lacks confidence or feels ashamed of their identity. It may be an old protective response continuing after the original danger has changed.
This was created as a collaborative share. The contributor spoke openly about their experience, and I wrote it in their own words so their thoughts and feelings could be heard while they remain anonymous. They wanted this experience to reach people who recognise themselves editing stories, relationships or language without consciously choosing to. It is also for colleagues, families and professionals who want to understand why safety in the present does not immediately erase learning from the past.
The shared experience encourages a response based on curiosity rather than criticism. A gentle correction - actually, it was my boyfriend - can become a small act of reclaiming a life that no longer needs to be reduced for somebody else’s comfort.
My hope is that this piece helps people recognise the intelligence behind the habit. The brain learned to protect itself for a reason. Change becomes more possible when that protection is acknowledged and the present is allowed to offer new evidence of safety.
You do not need to blame yourself for the words that once kept you safe. Each time you choose language that feels more truthful, you give your nervous system another opportunity to learn that your life no longer has to be edited.
A Note About This Real Experience
This is a real person’s lived experience, shared anonymously. It was created collaboratively: the contributor spoke openly about their thoughts and feelings, and Maggie Learoyd wrote the experience in their own words. The contributor wanted their experience to be heard and understood, but has chosen not to be named.
Shared collaboratively with Maggie Learoyd
Psychotherapist | ADHD, Autism & ARFID Specialist
Founder of Space to Breathe Therapy
