I Still Say 'We'
LGBTQ+ Real Experience – Shared Anonymously
The word we can hold warmth, partnership and shared life. It can also become a place to hide when saying my wife still feels more exposing than the present situation appears to require.
This shared real experience describes a woman in a loving marriage and a supportive workplace who still finds herself removing her wife from everyday conversations. Nobody has instructed her to do this. The words disappear before she has consciously made a choice.
The resource explores how earlier environments can shape automatic language. School experiences and workplace jokes taught the nervous system that openness could make somebody a target. Although the environment changed, the protective response did not instantly change with it.
This was created as a collaborative share. The contributor spoke openly about their experience, and I wrote it in their own words so their thoughts and feelings could be heard while they remain anonymous. They wanted this experience to reach anyone who feels confused or frustrated by the gap between knowing they are safe and feeling able to act safely. It is also for supporters who may wrongly interpret cautious language as shame, secrecy or lack of commitment.
The shared experience encourages gentle correction rather than self-criticism. Saying we and then adding my wife and I can become a small moment of practice. The aim is not compulsory disclosure; it is restoring choice where an old habit has been choosing automatically.
My hope is that this story helps people honour the pace at which the nervous system learns. Safety is not only an idea. It is an experience that often needs to be repeated before the body begins to believe it.
You do not have to force words out before you are ready. When you choose to name the person you love, however quietly, you are allowing your present life to become stronger than the rules you once needed to survive.
A Note About This Real Experience
This is a real person’s lived experience, shared anonymously. It was created collaboratively: the contributor spoke openly about their thoughts and feelings, and Maggie Learoyd wrote the experience in their own words. The contributor wanted their experience to be heard and understood, but has chosen not to be named.
Shared collaboratively with Maggie Learoyd
Psychotherapist | ADHD, Autism & ARFID Specialist
Founder of Space to Breathe Therapy
