Pansexual – Attraction Beyond Gender

Attraction is personal, and people experience it in many different ways.

Pansexual generally describes someone who can experience romantic and/or sexual attraction to people regardless of gender. For some pansexual people, gender simply isn't a determining factor in who they may be attracted to.

This doesn't mean gender is invisible or unimportant. It means that someone's gender doesn't necessarily limit the possibility of attraction.

What does pansexual actually mean?

The word pansexual is sometimes misunderstood as meaning “attracted to everybody.”

It doesn't.

Just as a heterosexual person isn't attracted to every person of another gender, a pansexual person isn't automatically attracted to everyone they meet.

They will still have individual preferences, personalities they connect with, people they find attractive and people they don't.

Pansexuality describes the potential for attraction – not attraction to every person.

Pansexuality and bisexuality

People sometimes ask about the difference between pansexuality and bisexuality.

There can be overlap between the two, and different people may explain their identities in slightly different ways.

Bisexuality is commonly used to describe attraction to more than one gender, while pansexuality is often used by people who feel that gender isn't a determining factor in their attraction.

Neither identity invalidates the other.

The most important thing is to respect the word somebody chooses to describe their own experience rather than deciding which label we think they should use.

Your relationship doesn't determine your sexuality

A pansexual person's identity doesn't disappear because of who they're currently dating.

Someone in what appears from the outside to be a heterosexual relationship may still be pansexual.

Someone who has only ever had relationships with people of one gender may still be pansexual.

And someone doesn't need to have had relationships with people of several different genders to “prove” their sexuality.

Identity isn't a relationship history.

Romantic and sexual attraction can also be different

For some people, romantic and sexual attraction broadly align. For others, they don't.

Someone may therefore use different language to describe different parts of their attraction.

This is another reason it's helpful not to make assumptions based on somebody's partner, previous relationships or appearance.

Challenging some common misconceptions

Pansexuality doesn't mean somebody is more likely to be unfaithful.

It doesn't mean they want multiple partners.

It doesn't mean they're confused.

It doesn't mean they're attracted to everybody.

And it isn't simply a “phase” someone has to move through before deciding on another sexuality.

Pansexual people are individuals, and their boundaries, relationships and preferences will be as individual as anyone else's.

If you're wondering whether you might be pansexual

You may be exploring this because you've noticed that the people you're attracted to don't seem to fall neatly within one gender.

Perhaps gender has never felt particularly important when you experience attraction.

Or perhaps you've found yourself attracted to people of different genders and you're trying to find language that makes sense of that experience.

You don't have to rush to decide.

Labels are there to help you understand and communicate your experience — you don't have to prove that you've earned one.

A message from me

Sometimes we put enormous pressure on ourselves to find exactly the right word.

Am I bisexual? Pansexual? Queer? Something else?

But understanding ourselves doesn't always happen in one perfect moment.

You can explore.

You can learn.

You can use the language that feels right now and change it later if your understanding develops.

And if somebody tells you they're pansexual, you don't need to analyse their relationship history or ask them to justify the label.

Listen to the person rather than trying to test the definition.

Who somebody is attracted to is theirs to understand, describe and share in the way that feels right for them.

Until next time, give yourself space to breathe.

With love,
Maggie

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