Stop Measuring Yourself Against Someone Else’s Journey

Seeing another LGBTQ+ person living openly and confidently can be wonderful. It can give us hope, representation and sometimes a glimpse of a future we hadn't imagined for ourselves.

But it can also create comparison.

You might look at someone who seems completely comfortable with their identity and wonder:

“Why am I not there yet?”

The problem is that you're comparing everything you know about your own journey with only the parts of theirs that you can see.

We don't all start from the same place

Two people can share the same LGBTQ+ identity and have completely different experiences.

One person may have grown up surrounded by acceptance and positive representation.

Another may have grown up hearing that LGBTQ+ identities were wrong or something that should be hidden.

One person may have supportive parents.

Another may fear losing their family.

One may live somewhere with a visible LGBTQ+ community, while another may feel completely isolated.

Our circumstances affect how safe and confident we feel.

So comparing where you've reached without considering where you've had to start isn't particularly fair to you.

There are no LGBTQ+ milestones you have to achieve

Sometimes it can feel as though there's an invisible checklist.

Realise your identity.

Come out.

Find a relationship.

Go to Pride.

Find LGBTQ+ friends.

Become completely confident.

But real life rarely follows such a neat order.

You might come out at 18 or 68.

You might never formally "come out" at all.

You may attend Pride every year or have absolutely no interest in it.

You might find a relationship quickly, later in life or decide relationships aren't something you want.

There isn't one correct way to live an LGBTQ+ life.

Social media only shows part of the story

Comparison can become particularly difficult online.

We see photographs of happy couples, coming-out celebrations, Pride events, supportive families and people confidently talking about their identity.

What we don't necessarily see are the years of uncertainty, difficult conversations, loneliness, rejection, therapy, self-doubt or ordinary bad days behind those photographs.

Try to remember:

You're comparing your full experience with somebody else's edited moments.

Someone else's confidence doesn't diminish your progress

You can admire somebody else's confidence without using it as evidence that you're failing.

Their journey can show you what's possible without becoming the standard you have to reach.

Instead of thinking:

“Why can't I be like them?”

try:

“What is it about their confidence that I admire?”

Perhaps it's their openness.

Their boundaries.

Their friendships.

Their self-expression.

Their ability to speak without apologising.

That can become information about what you would like to build — in your own way and at your own pace.

Look backwards sometimes, not only sideways

When we constantly look at other people, we can miss our own progress.

Think about where you were a year ago.

Maybe you're more comfortable using certain words.

Perhaps you've told one person.

Maybe you've stopped hiding a relationship.

Perhaps you've challenged one belief you used to hold about yourself.

Or maybe you're simply beginning to ask questions you previously didn't feel able to ask.

Those things count.

A message from me

Please don't turn somebody else's journey into a measuring stick for your own.

You haven't failed because somebody else understood themselves younger.

You're not behind because somebody else came out sooner.

You're not less proud because somebody else is more visible.

And you're certainly not less LGBTQ+ because your life looks different from theirs.

Your timeline belongs to you.

Take inspiration from other people's stories where it helps, but leave the comparison behind.

You don't need to reach the same milestones, at the same age, in the same order.

You only need to keep discovering what feels right for you.

Until next time, give yourself space to breathe.

With love,
Maggie

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