When You’re Always Checking If It’s Safe
For some LGBTQ+ people, simply being themselves in everyday situations can involve a level of thinking and checking that others may never notice.
Walking into a new workplace, meeting new people, travelling somewhere unfamiliar or even having an ordinary conversation can bring a quick internal question:
“Is it safe for me to be completely myself here?”
The constant checking can become automatic
You might notice who is around before holding your partner’s hand. You might listen carefully to how someone talks about LGBTQ+ people before deciding what to share. You may avoid mentioning a relationship, change the way you dress or speak, or decide not to correct somebody who makes an assumption about you.
Sometimes these decisions happen in seconds.
When you have been doing this for a long time, you may barely realise how much monitoring is happening in the background.
Why it can become exhausting
Being aware of your surroundings can sometimes be protective. But constantly assessing people, places and situations for possible judgement or hostility takes energy.
It can make it harder to relax, leave you feeling on edge and create the sense that you always need to be prepared for somebody's reaction.
Having to repeatedly decide whether it is safe to simply be yourself can become an invisible emotional load.
Find the places where you can exhale
You don't have to force yourself to be open in situations that don't feel right.
Instead, it can be helpful to notice the people and environments where your body feels a little less guarded — where you don't have to rehearse what you're going to say or monitor every part of yourself.
Those safe relationships and spaces matter.
A message from me
If you recognise yourself in this, I want you to remember that you are allowed to protect your privacy while also seeking places where you can feel genuinely accepted.
You don't have to be open everywhere to be authentic.
You don't have to explain yourself to everybody.
And you don't have to ignore your instincts just to make somebody else comfortable.
I hope you have — or gradually find — people and places where the checking becomes quieter, your shoulders can drop and you can simply be you.
Until next time, give yourself space to breathe.
With love, Maggie
Space to Breathe Therapy
