You Don’t Have to Fit the Stereotype
There is no particular way an LGBTQ+ person is supposed to look.
There is no correct way to dress, speak, behave, socialise, love, work or express yourself.
Yet stereotypes can be incredibly powerful.
Sometimes they're imposed on us by other people. Sometimes, without realising it, we begin imposing them on ourselves.
You might find yourself wondering:
“Do I look gay enough?”
“Am I really bisexual if I've only had relationships with one gender?”
“Should I dress differently?”
“Why don't I feel like other LGBTQ+ people I see?”
These questions can leave you feeling as though your identity needs to be visible or recognisable before it is valid.
It doesn't.
Identity isn't a performance
Stereotypes often take incredibly diverse groups of people and reduce them to a handful of characteristics.
They can influence assumptions about clothing, personality, interests, relationships, careers, appearance, gender expression and even how somebody is expected to speak.
You may find other people saying:
"You don't look gay."
"I never would have guessed."
"But you're so feminine."
"But you're married to a man."
Comments like these can create the impression that you're somehow doing your identity incorrectly.
But your identity isn't something you need to perform convincingly for somebody else.
Your relationship history doesn't have to prove anything
This can be particularly important for bisexual, pansexual and questioning people.
Who you've dated doesn't necessarily define the full extent of who you're attracted to.
A bisexual person in a different-gender relationship doesn't suddenly become heterosexual.
Someone in a same-gender relationship doesn't automatically become gay or lesbian if that isn't how they identify.
And someone who has never had a relationship can still understand something about their sexuality.
You don't need a relationship CV to validate your identity.
Gender expression and sexuality aren't the same thing
The way someone dresses or expresses their gender doesn't automatically tell us their sexuality.
A gay man doesn't have to be feminine.
A lesbian doesn't have to be masculine.
A bisexual person doesn't have to present in a particular way.
And LGBTQ+ people can enjoy absolutely any combination of interests, clothes, hobbies, careers and lifestyles.
You are a whole person.
Your LGBTQ+ identity is part of you — it doesn't have to become your entire personality.
You don't have to change yourself to belong
Sometimes discovering an LGBTQ+ community can create another unexpected pressure.
You may have spent years trying to fit into heterosexual or cisgender expectations, only to find yourself wondering whether you now need to fit a different set of expectations.
You don't.
Belonging shouldn't require another performance.
If you love football, love football.
If you love knitting, knit.
If you enjoy glamorous clothes, wear them.
If you prefer jeans and trainers, wear those.
If you love Pride, wonderful.
If you'd rather stay home with a cup of tea, that's fine too.
There isn't a correct LGBTQ+ personality.
Let your identity belong to you
Instead of asking:
“Do I look LGBTQ+ enough?”
try asking:
“Do I feel like myself?”
That is a much more important question.
You don't need strangers to recognise your identity.
You don't need friends to say they "always knew."
You don't need to change your appearance so other LGBTQ+ people recognise you.
And you don't have to explain why you don't match somebody else's expectations.
A message from me
Please don't swap one box for another.
Understanding your identity should give you more room to be yourself — not another set of rules about who you're supposed to become.
There may be parts of LGBTQ+ culture that feel completely like home to you and others that don't resonate at all.
That's okay.
Take what helps you feel connected and leave what doesn't.
Your sexuality or gender can be an important part of your story without dictating every other chapter.
You don't have to look the part.
You don't have to act the part.
You don't have to prove the part.
You are allowed to be LGBTQ+ entirely in your own way.
Until next time, give yourself space to breathe.
With love,
Maggie
