You Don’t Have to Make Yourself Smaller
Sometimes we learn to make ourselves smaller without even realising we're doing it.
It might begin with staying quiet when somebody makes an uncomfortable comment. Perhaps you stop mentioning your partner, change the way you dress in certain places, avoid correcting assumptions about your identity or become very aware of how much of yourself you're allowing other people to see.
Over time, protecting yourself from other people's judgement can begin to feel like hiding yourself.
For LGBTQ+ people, this can be particularly complicated because sometimes being cautious really is about safety.
There is an important difference between choosing what feels safe for you and believing that you need to change who you are to make somebody else comfortable.
When adapting becomes shrinking
We all adjust ourselves slightly depending on where we are. That's a normal part of being human.
But it may be worth noticing when you're repeatedly:
- Downplaying an important relationship
- Avoiding mentioning your identity
- Changing how you dress or express yourself
- Laughing along with jokes that actually hurt
- Letting people make assumptions because correcting them feels uncomfortable
- Monitoring your voice, behaviour or mannerisms
- Trying not to appear "too gay", "too queer", "too masculine", "too feminine" or simply too much
- Feeling responsible for somebody else's reaction to who you are
If you recognise yourself here, try not to judge yourself for it.
Sometimes these behaviours developed because they helped you feel safer, avoid conflict or belong.
Understanding why you learned to do something is often more helpful than criticising yourself for doing it.
Ask yourself: what would I do if I felt completely safe?
This can be an interesting question to explore.
Would you talk more openly about your relationship?
Would you dress differently?
Would you correct somebody when they make an assumption?
Would you hold your partner's hand?
Would you stop laughing at jokes that make you uncomfortable?
Would you simply relax a little more?
You don't have to immediately do any of these things. Safety always matters.
The question is simply an opportunity to notice whether fear of judgement has started making decisions on your behalf.
Taking up space doesn't mean being loud
Taking up space isn't about becoming confrontational or telling everybody everything about yourself.
It can be much quieter than that.
It can mean no longer apologising for mentioning your partner.
It can mean saying, "Actually, that's not quite right."
It can mean choosing clothes because you like them rather than because they attract the least attention.
It can mean deciding that somebody else's discomfort doesn't automatically require you to change.
And sometimes taking up space simply means allowing yourself to think:
"There is nothing inappropriate about me being here exactly as I am."
A message from me
If you've spent years making yourself smaller, please don't expect yourself to suddenly become fearless.
Start small.
Notice the moments when you disappear a little.
Ask yourself whether you're choosing privacy because you want it, choosing caution because you need it, or hiding because you've learned that other people's comfort matters more than your own.
There will be situations where keeping parts of yourself private is the safest or most appropriate choice. That doesn't make you less proud, less authentic or less courageous.
But where it is safe to do so, perhaps you can gradually give yourself permission to take back a little of the space you've been giving away.
You don't have to become smaller so somebody else can feel bigger.
You deserve relationships where you're acknowledged, environments where you're respected and spaces where you don't have to constantly edit yourself to belong.
Until next time, give yourself space to breathe.
With love,
Maggie
