When Anger Is the Emotion You Can Access
Anger is an emotion we can be quick to judge, particularly when it comes out as frustration, irritability or withdrawal. But sometimes anger is only the part of what someone is feeling that we can see.
Underneath it there may be hurt, rejection, fear, anxiety, shame, grief, exhaustion, stress or a feeling of being completely overwhelmed.
For some men, anger can also feel like an emotion that is easier or safer to express. If you've grown up hearing things like “man up,” “don't cry,” or “get on with it,” finding the words for sadness, fear or vulnerability may not come naturally.
That doesn't make harmful or aggressive behaviour acceptable. Anger still needs to be expressed safely. But understanding where it is coming from can help us respond to it differently.
Instead of only asking:
“Why am I so angry?”
try becoming curious about what happened just before:
“Did something hurt me?”
“Did I feel rejected or embarrassed?”
“Am I frightened about something?”
“Am I exhausted?”
“Have I been carrying too much for too long?”
Sometimes anger is telling us that something underneath needs our attention.
You don't have to get rid of anger or feel ashamed of having it. The aim is to understand it, express it safely and recognise what else you might be feeling alongside it.
There may be much more underneath the anger than you first realise.
With love,
Maggie
Space to Breathe Therapy
